Love Languages & Dialects: 'QT' and Quality Time

Quality time. According to Dr. Gary Chapman, marriage counselor and author of “The Languages of Love”, quality time is an essential love language. For some of us spending quality time with our partners is the most important way that we can feel and know that we are loved. And, our particular ‘dialect’ must be spoken to us or we may totally miss the message when it is sent!

Joan and Tom, married for eight years had established a cozy Sunday ritual of going for coffee and chatting. Gradually, Tom began bringing along the newspaper so he could chat and catch up onthe news. He figured he was killing two birds with one stone. Joan became increasingly prickly and unsettled because her ‘QT dialect” was note being fulfilled. She felt he wasn’t paying attention to her despite his being able to accurately tell her what she had said when she questioned him. What had once been a warm and satisfying ritual was degrading into an area of frustration and dissatisfaction for both of them.

After Joan became very clear about what her ‘QT’ dialect and needs were, they were able to agree on a compromise. She needed to spend time with him and have his undivided attention when they chatted. He agreed to give it to her. In exchange, she agreed to give him uninterrupted time to read the newspaper.

Because they were able to identify their own love language needs and dialects, communicate that information, and negotiate a compromise, they were able to re-establish and increase the quality of their ‘QT’ with each other.

Often our love relationships suffer because we don’t clearly see what is getting in the way of our feeling loved and we begin to pile up disappointments so it becomes that much more difficult to find a solution.

If we can still ourselves, clarify what we need and want and communicate that in a spirit of love, we can be on the way to receiving what our partners truly want to give us...the gift of their love.

Love Languages: Basic tools for Creating and Sustaining Your Emotional Intimacy

Officially there are five romance languages. Each originates form the same linguistic root, Vulgar Latin. Although they bear striking similarities to each other, they also exhibit crisp, clear differences. According to Dr. Gary Chapman, marriage counselor, marital enrichment educator and author of "The Five Love Languages", the emotional languages we experience and use are similar to the romance languages.

The Love languages all spring from and respond to our innate need for love and recognition, and they represent the diversity or our personalities, and the effects of socialization. Our ability to create and sustain emotional intimacy can be directly tied to our awareness and understanding of our own "love language" and "dialect", and those which are in place for our loved ones and friends.

Dr. Chapman's observations over a thirty year period have led him to identify the Five Love Languages as: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch.

Identifying our primary and perhaps secondary love languages can assist us in being very clear about what we need in order to truly feel loved and valued. If we need to spend quality time with our loved ones and receive lots of physical touch throughout the day, but instead receive gifts and acts of service from them, we will probably begin to feel unloved, unwanted and unhappy. Exiting the relationship will seem much more appealing so that we can search for what we need emotionally. In like manner, our partner who is bestowing these gifts upon us thinking they are doing just the right thing, will recognize that their efforts are less than 'well received' and may also begin the process of withdrawal and seeking.

Just what are the love languages that you and your partner speak? Take the self-assessment on our website: www.intimate-engagements.com/theartof intimacy, or within Dr. Chapman's book. Consider your findings and then share that information with your partner. Resolve to speak each other's language for at least thirty days and then take your emotional temperatures. You may be very pleased and surprised at what you find!

Irisha Brown, M.Ed., M. A., is an Intimacy and
Relationship Coach and Proprietress of the boutique,
Initmate Engagements, in Montclair, NJ.  Please email
questions and comments to ib@intimate-engagements.com

Starting Points for Creating Intimacy: Part Two

Psychological intimacy, or the ability to fully self-disclose has been cited in a research study of couples married an average of thirty years, as a significant indicator of relational satisfaction. Partners reported a sense of connection, peace and contentment when they felt they could disclose as much as they needed or wanted to and still be accepted by their partners.

The health benefits of intimacy have been documented as well. Individuals who are able to share their thoughts and feelings in intimate relationships have been found to have lowered stress levels, increased self-esteem and �respect, and have increased their overall physical health as well.

That said, how do we promote, create and sustain an atmosphere where full self-disclosure (if so desired) may occur?

We might best begin with a bit of self-analysis and reflection. Our ideas, experiences with and behaviors around self-disclosure influence how much we give and, often, what we receive.

Here�s some food for thought:

1. Who were you most intimate with within your family? Why?

2. Who were your most intimate friends? Why did you confide in them? Were they intimate with you as well?

3.What do you most enjoy about intimacy? What frightens you?

4. In general, how comfortable are you in confiding your thoughts and feelings?

4a. How do you decide whom you will confide in?

5. In addition to your partner, whom do you confide in now? Under what circumstances? How often? About what? Why did you select them?

6. Why do people confide in you? Why would they want to?

7. How judgmental are you?

8. Can you hear a confidence without giving advice or judging?

Having a clear sense of how we relate to intimacy or self-disclosure, and what our comfort level is within it, will help us see how we may encourage or hinder ourselves and others in the process. Thinking about these questions and asking them of our partner or friends can also help illuminate similarities and differences, which may impact the level of closeness and connection we create and feel.

We all thrive from feeling like we are accepted, valued and needed, so making sure our intimacy skills are fine tuned works for us and those in our circle.

Until next time, Be well!

Irisha Brown, M.Ed., M. A., is an Intimacy and
Relationship Coach and Proprietress of the boutique,
Initmate Engagements, in Montclair, NJ.  Please email
questions and comments to ib@intimate-engagements.com

Starting Points for Creating Intimacy: Part One

2008.  A new year of unlimited  opportunities for
personal fulfillment, growth and adventure. From the
perspective of intimacy, what might this mean for each
of us?

Psychological intimacy seems to be the bedrock upon
which most lasting relationships are built, however,
anecdotal experiences and empirical research lead to
the same conclusion: as a culture, we need formal
lessons in �how to create relationships that promote
and sustain intimacy� and, �how to be intimate�!  

In much the same way that we teach our youth to read
and write  we need to prepare for the roles we�ll play
where intimacy is required, whether those roles are
romantic or not.

Our perceptions and definitions of intimacy vary based
on gender, age, culture and economics, and change from
relationship to relationship and within relationships
over time. Intimacy is a critical, fluid relationship
dynamic that benefits from our ongoing review and
maintenance of it.

In two separate studies, one conducted on college
students and the other on couples who had been in
relationships for thirty or more years, the sense of
psychological intimacy, or the ability to fully
disclose one�s self were identified as significant
indicators of satisfaction within the relationship.

Understanding and accepting the impact of
socialization on who each person is and how  they 
relate to the idea of �intimacy� is a fundamental
first step in creating an environment where self
disclosure can flourish.

Recognizing that an individual�s ability and need to
self disclose may change, and being able to accept and
work with that is also critical for the support and
nurturance of intimacy within the relationship.  

Actively communicating about individual needs for self
disclosure and how to best create the opportunity for
doing so are also critical for mutual satisfaction.
To be continued...

Irisha Brown, M.Ed., M. A., is an Intimacy and
Relationship Coach and Proprietress of the boutique,
Initmate Engagements, in Montclair, NJ.  Please email
questions and comments to ib@intimate-engagements.com