and its associated feelings. Feelings of closeness,
being understood and accepted, and ultimately of being
valued and loved.
Wouldn’t you think that such a simple, universal need
would come “naturally” like an infant taking its mother's nipple and
pulling for dear life?
Well, if the stats on divorce are accurate, and the daily conversations we’re all privy to
about how we are note being heard, are honest, then it would appear that achieving intimacy and its benefits is not easy and, may be challenging to sustain over time.
Irisha Brown, M. Ed., M.A., is an Intimacy and Relationship Coach, and Proprietress of the boutique, Intimate Engagements, in Montclair New Jersey. Please email questions and comments to her at :intimate-engagements@intimate-engagements.com
Whether we achieve intimacy or not depends on many factors. Intimacy by its nature is an act of giving and receiving, so both parties have to be open and committed to taking the journey. And, crucial to the success of creating an environment where intimacy may occur and thrive is communication.
Good old fashioned talking and listening to each other. Once again, an act that would seem to be ever so simple and yet, we know from experience that often enough, the challenge to really engage on this level can be tough. And scary.
Intimate conversation may seem overwhelming because we may not know exactly what to say, how to say it, or how to deal with the reactions of others. However, with a little preparation and practice, we can be on our way to creating greater levels of intimacy in our relationships with others and, with ourselves.
As the “giver” in the communication process you can increase the likelihood of being really heard and understood. Initially, you’ll need to get very clear about: what you want to share, why it’s important to you and why you want it to be known by your partner. Once you know those elements, setting the stage for conversation becomes important.
Decide when, where and how you want to present this important information and consider what your partner’s reactions and needs might be.
Imagine that you want to simply talk about something that is important to you or about you, and you want your partner to hear, understand and hopefully accept what you’re sharing.
Select a time to speak when you’re both relaxed. Find an environment that lends itself to privacy and quiet. Agree on some ‘ground rules” and perhaps a time limit. Let your partner know what your intentions are for the conversation: that you simply want to share the information because you value them and want them to know more about you, and to you know you more deeply. If you only want them to listen to and hear you. Tell them just that. Let them know you don’t want them to have to do anything!
If you want them to feel free to ask questions after you’ve said everything you want to say, tell them that too. And stick to those agreements as you share!
The other side of the intimacy conversation is equally important and may also be primed for success. As the “receiver” or listener, make sure that your mind is free from all other concerns. As humans we can easily tell when we are not really being heard and, we can feel our partner’s mind is wandering or has simply left!
Look at your partner and listen with your entire self as they share. Notice their tone of voice, and facial and body expressions. They are communicating and sharing with you on many levels. You can pick up all the signals - but you have to be fully “tuned in” to do so. Make sure you heard and understood what your partner shared. Paraphrase what you heard. Allow your partner to re-state and clarify himself or herself if necessary. Talk about what you observed in your partner’s body language when they were sharing. By doing so you may be sharing information that may help them deepen their knowledge of themselves and strengthen the bond of intimacy between you. By giving your partner you full attention and receiving theirs in return you are creating the closeness and foundation that intimacy requires and is made from.
Once you’ve really experienced the sense of connection and closeness that intimate conversation can create, you’ll want to go back for more. Enjoy and be happy!
