Just how much intimacy will you and your loved ones have during this holiday season? For many of us, holiday celebrations include fabulously festive dinners and desserts, warm and cozy celebrations and collapsing at the first available opportunity! The idea of intimacy is not usually something that we think about incorporating into our plans.
Often, our routine involves feasting and laughing together, and then splitting off to watch “the game”, play video games or break into “his” and “hers”groups for the rest of the evening. What ever intimacy existed, ends as the last person steps away from the dinner table and enters into the next “activity”.
Despite the huge opportunity provided by this time together to become more intimately acquainted with each other, we may lose out because we engage in the “routine”, the “tradition”.
At the end of the evening, we’ve had a great time, but do we really know each other any better or more deeply? Could there be some wonderful nugget we’ve missed about each other because we never capitalized on the time we spent together?
This year try something different. Invite your guests to play the “Getting to Know You” game! You’ll need two giant hats or large bowls; mark one “About Me” and the other “About You”.
Have each guest fill out two slips of paper on which they identify two things about themselves that they want to tell everyone. They need to put their name on each slip and put their slips in the “About Me” container.
Then, for the “About You” container, have each guest generate two questions for one other guest. Again, on their slip, they should put the name of the guest they are curious about and put their name on as well.
Play begins after dessert. Decide on how names will be pulled out of each container . Set time limits for responses; make sure everyone has a complete chance to share about themselves.
Once the game gets going you’ll all be able to simply savor and enjoy seeing each other in a way that may not have appeared if “the tradition” was in play instead!
Happy Holidays!
Irisha Brown, M. Ed., M.A., is an Intimacy and Relationship Coach and Proprietress of the boutique, Intimate Engagements, in Montclair, NJ. Please e-mail questions and comments to ib@intimate-engagements.com
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Thursday, November 1, 2007
The Art of Intimacy: Living and Loving through the Holidaze!
It's that time of year again! Parties, shopping, eating, getting together with friends, families and co-workers, and traveling to places far or near. It's a decidedly delicious, and glorious time, yet it can be draining. Maintaining harmony, within yourself and your relationship can is even more important now. We've uncovered several tips that can keep help you maintain joy for yourself and your partner.
Plan time for you--Ensure that your holiday plans include time for you to do things you love. Create lots of joy for yourself.
Take Naps--It worked wonders in kindergarten and can still restore and refresh us!
Connect with Nature -- Make time to take walks. Connecting with natural beauty brings a sense of peace and awareness of our "oneness".
Connect with Yourself!--Turn off home phones,cellphones, email,and the news. Give yourself the gift of solitude.
Be consciously grateful--Notice how others bring happiness into your life and thank them for it; that will make your day and theirs.
Hug your partner--Hold your partner close for six seconds, at least six times a day. Hugging stimulates a natural calming effect that is potent and nourishing
Create a Love Contract -- Promise yourself to notice and tell your partner how they enrich your life and the world.
Cuddle--Make dates to just cuddle with your partner. Focus on enjoying the warmth and company of each other.
Donate your time�Helping others will energize you and provide much needed light in the lives of those you touch..
Adopt a local nursing home or senior center--Take a gift basket of fruits or other delicious edibles to be shared amongst staff and the seniors.
The holidays offer time to focus on love, family and friends in ways that we may miss during the year. Having a sanity plan simply makes the joy of the season something we can actually savor and enjoy!
Your bliss awaits you!
Irisha Brown, M. Ed., M.A., is an Intimacy and Relationship Coach, and Proprietress of the boutique, Intimate Engagements, in Montclair New Jersey. Please email questions and comments to her at :intimate-engagements@intimate-engagements.com
Sunday, May 6, 2007
The Art of Intimacy: Communicating about You!
Intimacy. We all want it or some degree of it
and its associated feelings. Feelings of closeness,
being understood and accepted, and ultimately of being
valued and loved.
Wouldn’t you think that such a simple, universal need
would come “naturally” like an infant taking its mother's nipple and
pulling for dear life?
Well, if the stats on divorce are accurate, and the daily conversations we’re all privy to
about how we are note being heard, are honest, then it would appear that achieving intimacy and its benefits is not easy and, may be challenging to sustain over time.
Whether we achieve intimacy or not depends on many factors. Intimacy by its nature is an act of giving and receiving, so both parties have to be open and committed to taking the journey. And, crucial to the success of creating an environment where intimacy may occur and thrive is communication.
Good old fashioned talking and listening to each other. Once again, an act that would seem to be ever so simple and yet, we know from experience that often enough, the challenge to really engage on this level can be tough. And scary.
Intimate conversation may seem overwhelming because we may not know exactly what to say, how to say it, or how to deal with the reactions of others. However, with a little preparation and practice, we can be on our way to creating greater levels of intimacy in our relationships with others and, with ourselves.
As the “giver” in the communication process you can increase the likelihood of being really heard and understood. Initially, you’ll need to get very clear about: what you want to share, why it’s important to you and why you want it to be known by your partner. Once you know those elements, setting the stage for conversation becomes important.
Decide when, where and how you want to present this important information and consider what your partner’s reactions and needs might be.
Imagine that you want to simply talk about something that is important to you or about you, and you want your partner to hear, understand and hopefully accept what you’re sharing.
Select a time to speak when you’re both relaxed. Find an environment that lends itself to privacy and quiet. Agree on some ‘ground rules” and perhaps a time limit. Let your partner know what your intentions are for the conversation: that you simply want to share the information because you value them and want them to know more about you, and to you know you more deeply. If you only want them to listen to and hear you. Tell them just that. Let them know you don’t want them to have to do anything!
If you want them to feel free to ask questions after you’ve said everything you want to say, tell them that too. And stick to those agreements as you share!
The other side of the intimacy conversation is equally important and may also be primed for success. As the “receiver” or listener, make sure that your mind is free from all other concerns. As humans we can easily tell when we are not really being heard and, we can feel our partner’s mind is wandering or has simply left!
Look at your partner and listen with your entire self as they share. Notice their tone of voice, and facial and body expressions. They are communicating and sharing with you on many levels. You can pick up all the signals - but you have to be fully “tuned in” to do so. Make sure you heard and understood what your partner shared. Paraphrase what you heard. Allow your partner to re-state and clarify himself or herself if necessary. Talk about what you observed in your partner’s body language when they were sharing. By doing so you may be sharing information that may help them deepen their knowledge of themselves and strengthen the bond of intimacy between you. By giving your partner you full attention and receiving theirs in return you are creating the closeness and foundation that intimacy requires and is made from.
Once you’ve really experienced the sense of connection and closeness that intimate conversation can create, you’ll want to go back for more. Enjoy and be happy!
and its associated feelings. Feelings of closeness,
being understood and accepted, and ultimately of being
valued and loved.
Wouldn’t you think that such a simple, universal need
would come “naturally” like an infant taking its mother's nipple and
pulling for dear life?
Well, if the stats on divorce are accurate, and the daily conversations we’re all privy to
about how we are note being heard, are honest, then it would appear that achieving intimacy and its benefits is not easy and, may be challenging to sustain over time.
Irisha Brown, M. Ed., M.A., is an Intimacy and Relationship Coach, and Proprietress of the boutique, Intimate Engagements, in Montclair New Jersey. Please email questions and comments to her at :intimate-engagements@intimate-engagements.com
Whether we achieve intimacy or not depends on many factors. Intimacy by its nature is an act of giving and receiving, so both parties have to be open and committed to taking the journey. And, crucial to the success of creating an environment where intimacy may occur and thrive is communication.
Good old fashioned talking and listening to each other. Once again, an act that would seem to be ever so simple and yet, we know from experience that often enough, the challenge to really engage on this level can be tough. And scary.
Intimate conversation may seem overwhelming because we may not know exactly what to say, how to say it, or how to deal with the reactions of others. However, with a little preparation and practice, we can be on our way to creating greater levels of intimacy in our relationships with others and, with ourselves.
As the “giver” in the communication process you can increase the likelihood of being really heard and understood. Initially, you’ll need to get very clear about: what you want to share, why it’s important to you and why you want it to be known by your partner. Once you know those elements, setting the stage for conversation becomes important.
Decide when, where and how you want to present this important information and consider what your partner’s reactions and needs might be.
Imagine that you want to simply talk about something that is important to you or about you, and you want your partner to hear, understand and hopefully accept what you’re sharing.
Select a time to speak when you’re both relaxed. Find an environment that lends itself to privacy and quiet. Agree on some ‘ground rules” and perhaps a time limit. Let your partner know what your intentions are for the conversation: that you simply want to share the information because you value them and want them to know more about you, and to you know you more deeply. If you only want them to listen to and hear you. Tell them just that. Let them know you don’t want them to have to do anything!
If you want them to feel free to ask questions after you’ve said everything you want to say, tell them that too. And stick to those agreements as you share!
The other side of the intimacy conversation is equally important and may also be primed for success. As the “receiver” or listener, make sure that your mind is free from all other concerns. As humans we can easily tell when we are not really being heard and, we can feel our partner’s mind is wandering or has simply left!
Look at your partner and listen with your entire self as they share. Notice their tone of voice, and facial and body expressions. They are communicating and sharing with you on many levels. You can pick up all the signals - but you have to be fully “tuned in” to do so. Make sure you heard and understood what your partner shared. Paraphrase what you heard. Allow your partner to re-state and clarify himself or herself if necessary. Talk about what you observed in your partner’s body language when they were sharing. By doing so you may be sharing information that may help them deepen their knowledge of themselves and strengthen the bond of intimacy between you. By giving your partner you full attention and receiving theirs in return you are creating the closeness and foundation that intimacy requires and is made from.
Once you’ve really experienced the sense of connection and closeness that intimate conversation can create, you’ll want to go back for more. Enjoy and be happy!
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