Love Languages & Dialects: 'QT' and Quality Time

Quality time. According to Dr. Gary Chapman, marriage counselor and author of “The Languages of Love”, quality time is an essential love language. For some of us spending quality time with our partners is the most important way that we can feel and know that we are loved. And, our particular ‘dialect’ must be spoken to us or we may totally miss the message when it is sent!

Joan and Tom, married for eight years had established a cozy Sunday ritual of going for coffee and chatting. Gradually, Tom began bringing along the newspaper so he could chat and catch up onthe news. He figured he was killing two birds with one stone. Joan became increasingly prickly and unsettled because her ‘QT dialect” was note being fulfilled. She felt he wasn’t paying attention to her despite his being able to accurately tell her what she had said when she questioned him. What had once been a warm and satisfying ritual was degrading into an area of frustration and dissatisfaction for both of them.

After Joan became very clear about what her ‘QT’ dialect and needs were, they were able to agree on a compromise. She needed to spend time with him and have his undivided attention when they chatted. He agreed to give it to her. In exchange, she agreed to give him uninterrupted time to read the newspaper.

Because they were able to identify their own love language needs and dialects, communicate that information, and negotiate a compromise, they were able to re-establish and increase the quality of their ‘QT’ with each other.

Often our love relationships suffer because we don’t clearly see what is getting in the way of our feeling loved and we begin to pile up disappointments so it becomes that much more difficult to find a solution.

If we can still ourselves, clarify what we need and want and communicate that in a spirit of love, we can be on the way to receiving what our partners truly want to give us...the gift of their love.

Love Languages: Basic tools for Creating and Sustaining Your Emotional Intimacy

Officially there are five romance languages. Each originates form the same linguistic root, Vulgar Latin. Although they bear striking similarities to each other, they also exhibit crisp, clear differences. According to Dr. Gary Chapman, marriage counselor, marital enrichment educator and author of "The Five Love Languages", the emotional languages we experience and use are similar to the romance languages.

The Love languages all spring from and respond to our innate need for love and recognition, and they represent the diversity or our personalities, and the effects of socialization. Our ability to create and sustain emotional intimacy can be directly tied to our awareness and understanding of our own "love language" and "dialect", and those which are in place for our loved ones and friends.

Dr. Chapman's observations over a thirty year period have led him to identify the Five Love Languages as: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch.

Identifying our primary and perhaps secondary love languages can assist us in being very clear about what we need in order to truly feel loved and valued. If we need to spend quality time with our loved ones and receive lots of physical touch throughout the day, but instead receive gifts and acts of service from them, we will probably begin to feel unloved, unwanted and unhappy. Exiting the relationship will seem much more appealing so that we can search for what we need emotionally. In like manner, our partner who is bestowing these gifts upon us thinking they are doing just the right thing, will recognize that their efforts are less than 'well received' and may also begin the process of withdrawal and seeking.

Just what are the love languages that you and your partner speak? Take the self-assessment on our website: www.intimate-engagements.com/theartof intimacy, or within Dr. Chapman's book. Consider your findings and then share that information with your partner. Resolve to speak each other's language for at least thirty days and then take your emotional temperatures. You may be very pleased and surprised at what you find!

Irisha Brown, M.Ed., M. A., is an Intimacy and
Relationship Coach and Proprietress of the boutique,
Initmate Engagements, in Montclair, NJ.  Please email
questions and comments to ib@intimate-engagements.com

Starting Points for Creating Intimacy: Part Two

Psychological intimacy, or the ability to fully self-disclose has been cited in a research study of couples married an average of thirty years, as a significant indicator of relational satisfaction. Partners reported a sense of connection, peace and contentment when they felt they could disclose as much as they needed or wanted to and still be accepted by their partners.

The health benefits of intimacy have been documented as well. Individuals who are able to share their thoughts and feelings in intimate relationships have been found to have lowered stress levels, increased self-esteem and �respect, and have increased their overall physical health as well.

That said, how do we promote, create and sustain an atmosphere where full self-disclosure (if so desired) may occur?

We might best begin with a bit of self-analysis and reflection. Our ideas, experiences with and behaviors around self-disclosure influence how much we give and, often, what we receive.

Here�s some food for thought:

1. Who were you most intimate with within your family? Why?

2. Who were your most intimate friends? Why did you confide in them? Were they intimate with you as well?

3.What do you most enjoy about intimacy? What frightens you?

4. In general, how comfortable are you in confiding your thoughts and feelings?

4a. How do you decide whom you will confide in?

5. In addition to your partner, whom do you confide in now? Under what circumstances? How often? About what? Why did you select them?

6. Why do people confide in you? Why would they want to?

7. How judgmental are you?

8. Can you hear a confidence without giving advice or judging?

Having a clear sense of how we relate to intimacy or self-disclosure, and what our comfort level is within it, will help us see how we may encourage or hinder ourselves and others in the process. Thinking about these questions and asking them of our partner or friends can also help illuminate similarities and differences, which may impact the level of closeness and connection we create and feel.

We all thrive from feeling like we are accepted, valued and needed, so making sure our intimacy skills are fine tuned works for us and those in our circle.

Until next time, Be well!

Irisha Brown, M.Ed., M. A., is an Intimacy and
Relationship Coach and Proprietress of the boutique,
Initmate Engagements, in Montclair, NJ.  Please email
questions and comments to ib@intimate-engagements.com

Starting Points for Creating Intimacy: Part One

2008.  A new year of unlimited  opportunities for
personal fulfillment, growth and adventure. From the
perspective of intimacy, what might this mean for each
of us?

Psychological intimacy seems to be the bedrock upon
which most lasting relationships are built, however,
anecdotal experiences and empirical research lead to
the same conclusion: as a culture, we need formal
lessons in �how to create relationships that promote
and sustain intimacy� and, �how to be intimate�!  

In much the same way that we teach our youth to read
and write  we need to prepare for the roles we�ll play
where intimacy is required, whether those roles are
romantic or not.

Our perceptions and definitions of intimacy vary based
on gender, age, culture and economics, and change from
relationship to relationship and within relationships
over time. Intimacy is a critical, fluid relationship
dynamic that benefits from our ongoing review and
maintenance of it.

In two separate studies, one conducted on college
students and the other on couples who had been in
relationships for thirty or more years, the sense of
psychological intimacy, or the ability to fully
disclose one�s self were identified as significant
indicators of satisfaction within the relationship.

Understanding and accepting the impact of
socialization on who each person is and how  they 
relate to the idea of �intimacy� is a fundamental
first step in creating an environment where self
disclosure can flourish.

Recognizing that an individual�s ability and need to
self disclose may change, and being able to accept and
work with that is also critical for the support and
nurturance of intimacy within the relationship.  

Actively communicating about individual needs for self
disclosure and how to best create the opportunity for
doing so are also critical for mutual satisfaction.
To be continued...

Irisha Brown, M.Ed., M. A., is an Intimacy and
Relationship Coach and Proprietress of the boutique,
Initmate Engagements, in Montclair, NJ.  Please email
questions and comments to ib@intimate-engagements.com

"Tis the Season to Be Intimate!

Just how much intimacy will you and your loved ones have during this holiday season? For many of us, holiday celebrations include fabulously festive dinners and desserts, warm and cozy celebrations and collapsing at the first available opportunity! The idea of intimacy is not usually something that we think about incorporating into our plans.

Often, our routine involves feasting and laughing together, and then splitting off to watch “the game”, play video games or break into “his” and “hers”groups for the rest of the evening. What ever intimacy existed, ends as the last person steps away from the dinner table and enters into the next “activity”.

Despite the huge opportunity provided by this time together to become more intimately acquainted with each other, we may lose out because we engage in the “routine”, the “tradition”.

At the end of the evening, we’ve had a great time, but do we really know each other any better or more deeply? Could there be some wonderful nugget we’ve missed about each other because we never capitalized on the time we spent together?

This year try something different. Invite your guests to play the “Getting to Know You” game! You’ll need two giant hats or large bowls; mark one “About Me” and the other “About You”.

Have each guest fill out two slips of paper on which they identify two things about themselves that they want to tell everyone. They need to put their name on each slip and put their slips in the “About Me” container.

Then, for the “About You” container, have each guest generate two questions for one other guest. Again, on their slip, they should put the name of the guest they are curious about and put their name on as well.

Play begins after dessert. Decide on how names will be pulled out of each container . Set time limits for responses; make sure everyone has a complete chance to share about themselves.

Once the game gets going you’ll all be able to simply savor and enjoy seeing each other in a way that may not have appeared if “the tradition” was in play instead!

Happy Holidays!


Irisha Brown, M. Ed., M.A., is an Intimacy and Relationship Coach and Proprietress of the boutique, Intimate Engagements, in Montclair, NJ. Please e-mail questions and comments to ib@intimate-engagements.com

The Art of Intimacy: Living and Loving through the Holidaze!

It's that time of year again! Parties, shopping, eating, getting together with friends, families and co-workers, and traveling to places far or near. It's a decidedly delicious, and glorious time, yet it can be draining. Maintaining harmony, within yourself and your relationship can is even more important now. We've uncovered several tips that can keep help you maintain joy for yourself and your partner.

Plan time for you--Ensure that your holiday plans include time for you to do things you love. Create lots of joy for yourself.

Take Naps--It worked wonders in kindergarten and can still restore and refresh us!

Connect with Nature -- Make time to take walks. Connecting with natural beauty brings a sense of peace and awareness of our "oneness".

Connect with Yourself!--Turn off home phones,cellphones, email,and the news. Give yourself the gift of solitude.

Be consciously grateful--Notice how others bring happiness into your life and thank them for it; that will make your day and theirs.

Hug your partner--Hold your partner close for six seconds, at least six times a day. Hugging stimulates a natural calming effect that is potent and nourishing

Create a Love Contract -- Promise yourself to notice and tell your partner how they enrich your life and the world.

Cuddle--Make dates to just cuddle with your partner. Focus on enjoying the warmth and company of each other.

Donate your time�Helping others will energize you and provide much needed light in the lives of those you touch..

Adopt a local nursing home or senior center--Take a gift basket of fruits or other delicious edibles to be shared amongst staff and the seniors.

The holidays offer time to focus on love, family and friends in ways that we may miss during the year. Having a sanity plan simply makes the joy of the season something we can actually savor and enjoy!

Your bliss awaits you!

Irisha Brown, M. Ed., M.A., is an Intimacy and Relationship Coach, and Proprietress of the boutique, Intimate Engagements, in Montclair New Jersey. Please email questions and comments to her at :intimate-engagements@intimate-engagements.com

The Art of Intimacy: Communicating about You!

Intimacy. We all want it or some degree of it
and its associated feelings. Feelings of closeness,
being understood and accepted, and ultimately of being
valued and loved.

Wouldn’t you think that such a simple, universal need
would come “naturally” like an infant taking its mother's nipple and
pulling for dear life?

Well, if the stats on divorce are accurate, and the daily conversations we’re all privy to
about how we are note being heard, are honest, then it would appear that achieving intimacy and its benefits is not easy and, may be challenging to sustain over time.

Irisha Brown, M. Ed., M.A., is an Intimacy and Relationship Coach, and Proprietress of the boutique, Intimate Engagements, in Montclair New Jersey. Please email questions and comments to her at :intimate-engagements@intimate-engagements.com

Whether we achieve intimacy or not depends on many factors. Intimacy by its nature is an act of giving and receiving, so both parties have to be open and committed to taking the journey. And, crucial to the success of creating an environment where intimacy may occur and thrive is communication.

Good old fashioned talking and listening to each other. Once again, an act that would seem to be ever so simple and yet, we know from experience that often enough, the challenge to really engage on this level can be tough. And scary.

Intimate conversation may seem overwhelming because we may not know exactly what to say, how to say it, or how to deal with the reactions of others. However, with a little preparation and practice, we can be on our way to creating greater levels of intimacy in our relationships with others and, with ourselves.

As the “giver” in the communication process you can increase the likelihood of being really heard and understood. Initially, you’ll need to get very clear about: what you want to share, why it’s important to you and why you want it to be known by your partner. Once you know those elements, setting the stage for conversation becomes important.

Decide when, where and how you want to present this important information and consider what your partner’s reactions and needs might be.

Imagine that you want to simply talk about something that is important to you or about you, and you want your partner to hear, understand and hopefully accept what you’re sharing.

Select a time to speak when you’re both relaxed. Find an environment that lends itself to privacy and quiet. Agree on some ‘ground rules” and perhaps a time limit. Let your partner know what your intentions are for the conversation: that you simply want to share the information because you value them and want them to know more about you, and to you know you more deeply. If you only want them to listen to and hear you. Tell them just that. Let them know you don’t want them to have to do anything!

If you want them to feel free to ask questions after you’ve said everything you want to say, tell them that too. And stick to those agreements as you share!

The other side of the intimacy conversation is equally important and may also be primed for success. As the “receiver” or listener, make sure that your mind is free from all other concerns. As humans we can easily tell when we are not really being heard and, we can feel our partner’s mind is wandering or has simply left!

Look at your partner and listen with your entire self as they share. Notice their tone of voice, and facial and body expressions. They are communicating and sharing with you on many levels. You can pick up all the signals - but you have to be fully “tuned in” to do so. Make sure you heard and understood what your partner shared. Paraphrase what you heard. Allow your partner to re-state and clarify himself or herself if necessary. Talk about what you observed in your partner’s body language when they were sharing. By doing so you may be sharing information that may help them deepen their knowledge of themselves and strengthen the bond of intimacy between you. By giving your partner you full attention and receiving theirs in return you are creating the closeness and foundation that intimacy requires and is made from.

Once you’ve really experienced the sense of connection and closeness that intimate conversation can create, you’ll want to go back for more. Enjoy and be happy!